For those of you who followed my previous blog: Two Mad Cows, my brush with depression was well documented. Let me make one thing clear, depression has become a throw away word, clinical depression is a neurobiological disease and a severely debilitating one at that. We undermine the severity of this disease when upon feeling a bit low we glibly claim to be depressed.
Non clinical depression is a reaction to painful life events and is often an extreme case of sadness.
I lost my parents in quick succession, they were both in their early sixties and I was quite unprepared to be an orphan. I began to work in special needs education and with hindsight I buried my grief under the surface. A couple of years later I lost my darling dog, my loyal little companion who had made many journeys by train back and forth to London with me during my parents illnesses and who during those awful weeks and months of hospital visits would be sitting by my mum's front door waiting for me to come home.
My mum used to say: 'I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a boy with no feet.' I was stoic after Tilly's death as I was after losing my parents, ever mindful of mum's proverb that there is always someone worse off.
Bereavement is a term used for any event that includes loss, be it the death of a loved one, divorcing a partner, losing a friendship, job or pet. We all need strong affectionate bonds with other people for our emotional well being. Apart from my loving family I had surrounded myself with a network of friends at work, an unpleasant situation arose, a storm in a teacup really, but the fallout was devastating to me and I subsequently left my job.
The initial stage of my depression was shock, then the grief which I had buried started to overwhelm me, I was in a state of anguish, quilty for abandoning the children, for not buying my mum a cake a few days before she died, one of the last things she asked for.............
We all tread that very fine line and sometimes one instance will push us over the edge. Luckily I started co writing two mad cows which proved to be very therapeutic, not only from a writing point of view but because it took me back into the kitchen, a place that reminds me of mum. Now I'm the one baking pies, cooking stews and poaching rhubarb in my pink kitchen and the constant uneasiness has been replaced with peace.
Fortunately my life has taken on new meaning, even quite recently. I potter in my garden, I cook and write, I don't do people pleasing or social climbing, I avoid mean spirited individuals, I try to be kind but I wont be taken for a fool! And I grow rhubarb!!!!!!!
Rhubarb compote
Recipe
200g rhubarb, washed and cut into chunks
1 piece of stem ginger, chopped
Zest of 1 orange
40g caster sugar
Put all of the ingredients into a pan, simmer gently for 15 minutes or until rhubarb is soft
Strain off excess syrup, cool then chill, I put rhubarb into sterilised jars
This compote is delicious served on lightly toasted brioche bread, however, I decided to make scones
Lavender scones
Recipe
100g cold butter, cubed
240g plain flour
30g icing sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
180ml whole milk
1 dessert spoon dried lavender (optional)
Preheat oven 190c/gas 5
Combine butter, flour, icing sugar and baking powder
Rub between your fingertips until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs
If using lavender add at this stage
In a mixing bowl add milk to mix to make a wettish dough
Shape dough into a disc, loosely wrap in clingfilm and chill for 20 minutes
On a floured surface gently roll dough to 1.5cm thick and cut into rounds
Line a tray with greaseproof paper, place scones on tray and lightly brush with milk
Bake for ten minutes until risen and golden
Cool on a wire rack
When cool, tear scones open, top the base with a dollop of natural yoghurt, or cream if you prefer
Spoon on some rhubarb compote
Replace scone lid and serve
'I couldn't be with people and I didn't want to be alone. Suddenly my perspective whoosed and I was far out in space, watching the world. I could see millions of people, all slotted into their lives; then I could see me-I'd lost my place in the universe.'
-Marian Keyes
Love Donna xxxxxx
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